Trust in HaShem

It was back in my high school days, over forty years ago, that I first began making lists: lists for the day, lists for week, homework lists, shopping lists, reading lists, you name it. Those lists made me feel I was in control. They became holy, so holy that there were times when I’d spend more energy worrying about completing the items on the list than on actually performing the tasks.

Nothing illustrates this better than my behavior when I have a daughter or daughter-in-law in her ninth month. Even if I have no intention of going with her to the labor room how can I plan to go to a class, make a doctor’s appointment, or any other activity? What if I’m needed to watch the older children or prepare meals or do laundry? How I will be able to get to the hospital to meet the new arrival if I’m off at the beach or visiting a sick friend? And, if the baby is a boy, what if there’s a conflict for the brit?

My youngest daughter, who lives across the street, just finished her ninth month. It was a month full of me checking to see if her car was still in front of the house every chance I got. A month of worrying when the brit (for they had told us she was expecting a boy) would be. What if it fell out on the same Shabbat that there was going to be a Bar Mitzvah in the neighborhood? All the good guest rooms were already spoken for. Where would we find room for all our family? Or how would we manage if it was on the two days of Rosh Hashanah?  Or Yom Kippur?

There were more worries. What if everything wasn’t okay with the baby and the brit would have to be postponed? I’d had experience with that. Two of my grandchildren were born with health complications. One waited two months for his brit. Another had to wait five years.

And what about my own baby? Sometimes there are complications in childbirth…  

One of the sins we ask forgiveness for on Yom Kippur is the sin of stubbornness. Our rabbis explain that this refers to refusing to see HaShem’s Hand in life, to think things happen by chance. The title of this blog states It’s all from HaShem and if anyone asks me I’m adamant when I declare He has a plan. So why do I worry? Am I showing a lack of faith?

My baby and her husband left our table for the hospital on the second night of Rosh Hashanah. I knew I had twenty-two hours to wait for the holiday to end and be able to talk to my daughter on the phone. Would she make it to the hospital in time? What if the labor speeded up and she’d need to give birth on the way? Who would be on the road to help her? My imagination sped on and on.

Then I listened to the sound of the shofar the following morning. Trust in HaShem it told me. Yes, painful things might happen but you know He has a reason for them even if you’ll only understand it was for the best in the end of days. Your worrying doesn’t help anyone.

I relaxed. As the stars came out that evening I received the joyous news that my daughter had had an easy delivery and a healthy baby boy. If all’s well, we’ll have an erev Yom Kippur brit.

As the fast draws near I am thankful for all the blessings HaShem has bestowed upon me. At the same time I want to change so next year I can see myself as a better person, a person with stronger faith. I want to cut down on my worrying. I want to remember that I’m not in control. I don’t want to forget my message of the shofar: Trust in HaShem.

Growing With My Cousin, a great holiday read, is available at Jewish bookstores and on line at  http://www.feldheim.com/growing-with-my-cousin.html or

https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Cousin-Ester-Katz-Silvers/dp/194635113X/